MEMORIES

One of the absolutely terrific things about being Muddie is the ability to allow my thoughts travel far. I do not require the services of Airtel, MTN, Etisalat or any other telecomm network for my thoughts to roam…and so today, via a stack of old magazines piled somewhere in my room, I travel way back in time to bring you some of my fondest childhood memories associated with popular Nigerian print adverts.

BLUE BAND MARGARINE 1979

Blue Band now comes in plastic containers, which we throw away after use. Back then, the empty blue band tins where just as important as the margarine itself. I remember this advert so well, not because I enjoyed all the orishi - rishi displayed in the advert but cos the blue band tin a.k.a gongoni  was synonymous with moin moin. Once the blue band finish, any refilling wey wan take place na with moin moin. Whenever we didn’t have enough blue band tins for moin moin, momsy made do by adding Peak milk tins to the mix and na there fight dey take start.

As the moin moin just dey touch down, the following takes place:

Me:  “Is me that will take the moin moin da is inside the blue band gongoni o. Is me that scrape it.”

My elder Bro:  Am I not the senior? Take the peak cup (obviously the smaller cup) jor.

Me:  Is God that will judge you! No be say I first chop the blue band, you no go still allow me chop the moin moin…

Nepa takes light….

NATIONAL FANS 1979

 “Hehehehehehe”, please allow me to use this paragraph to laugh but I’ll tell you why in the next. Continues laffing... “Hehehehehehehehehehehe.” Matches brake.

You see the small table fan on the right hand side?” Yes, the whispering giant (forget say na dwarf you dey see). My dad had two. Till date, these two table fans like the true Ogbanje that they are, always make it a point of duty to remind me that they older than me whenever I visit.

One specifically said to my face about 5 years ago, “that you can now afford ceiling fan does not make me lose my title as the whispering giant, na me be senior and what I can see from the table top, your ceiling fan cannot see from the ceiling top.”

NIGERIA AIRWAYS 1979

 …So Super Eagles won the AFCON 2013, Yes! Nigeria is the giant of Africa, Yes! An elephant flying, No! No!! No!!! Mbanu, this is all kinds of wrong!

Growing up, I always wondered why I never got to travel by air. The only moments I could afford to, were those moments when myself and other kids playing in the street would jump and shout “See Oroplain” at the sight of any plane flying past.

Dear Papa,

I have a confession to make. As a child, I always thought that the reason that we always go to journey by road is because you are too poor and you cannot afford to buy flying ticket that time.

When I was arranging my room yesterday, I came across an old magazine where I see this foto that I have attach to the letter. And I am asking myself how elephant will be flying oroplain and it is then that I come and realise that it was the same thing that you see that make us to always follow road and travel.

It is only in Nigeria that I have see that eagles play football and then elephants fly planes. I say let me write this letter to tell you that I am sorry and that you are a good father who realized early enough that if we follow oroplain that carry elephant, we will all die in plane crash.

I love you papa!

Your son,

Mudiaga.

CERELAC 1992

Tales by delight

Once upon a time, long before golden morn, there was Cerelac, the best baby food in all the land. It was specially made from cereals and rich in nutrients. In the Bible, Eve tempted Adam with an apple and in Nigeria, mothers tempted growing children and house helps with Cerelac. House helps always waited for their madams to go out and then share the cerelac with baby/bomboi. For every tea spoon they fed the baby, they fed themselves about 4 spoons. The saying, “99 days for the house girl and 1 day for madam”, sums up the story of how many house girls lost their jobs after being caught thiefing Cerelac.

#ThatAkwardMoment  when  mama would come into the room and ask what I was doing and I’d pretend to be a sculpture piece because I had baby’s cerelac in my mouth.

COCA COLA 1988

Coca Cola is the world’s most popular drink, in fact, the only drink that has been able to put the combo of Zobo, Kunu and Agbo Jedi Jedi sellers out of business.

Tomorrow is valentine’s day and what has coke got to do with it abi? Most Nigerian girls have at least  been praying and fasting for their boyfriends to either show up with keys to a car (preferably tear rubber), Mary Kay packs, Black Berries (not currants), Gold necklaces, Designer clothes and gbo – gbo expensive things!

Take a look at the two lovers in the advert, this pishure was taken on valentine’s day in 1988, long before black berry and brazillian hair came to spoil runs. Don’t they look happy? Yet, all it took for the girl to allow the guy grab her by the waist, was a bottle of coke, which only cost N1 at the time.

Text message

Hi Swth@t,

I’m fully aware of d fact dt if I dnt buy u a

very xpensiv gift dis val, I’ll not b getting

any  ***. Salaries hv not bin paid bt I can

afford to buy us coke, which should @

least qualify me to hold u by d waist.

If  u dnt agree 2 dis, I’ll hv 2 resign lyk d

Pope but if u change ur mind l8r, lyk Keshi,

I’ll reconsida my resignation!

U know I luv u but 4 2mao!

Sent:

04:10:33am

13-02-2013

Message delivered

Ejiro

08036530010

…to be continued!

WHILE I WAS GONE...

Dear Fam,

It has been about 3 weeks since I last posted on the blog and all I can say is “Ema binu jare, I wasn’t born this way!” A lot of things happened within this period...the good, the bad and the not so ugly but through it all, God has been at the top and yes, he is the Oga. It would take another 3 weeks to tell the give you the whole gist, so i’ll just highlight the few which stood out like a pot belly.

MY LAPTOP (The Testimony)

Hmmmn, I woke up one morning to discover my laptop had run mad. It kept beeping continuously and annoyingly too (the kind of alarm u didn’t set yourself and can’t stop either), some of the keys weren’t working and just imagine Nigerian athletes running alongside Usain Bolt, that is how slow the system had become.  “Wetin I go do?” I asked myself. At this point, all I could think of was what would become of my blog. After trying to restart several times, the laptop finally went into a coma. It miraculously came back to life after about 3 weeks and is currently on life support. Brethen, join me in thanking the Lord. “The Lord who has brought my laptop to life will give me a mark on my birthday in 2014.” Oya, shout Amen!

MY BIRTHDAY

This life (not the T.V drama) can be so amazing. I went to bed on the 2^nd of March, only to wake up on the 3^rd and there’s a text message from Infidelity bank, trying to convince me that it was my by-day (insert my Kaduna peeps). Several messages later, I still wasn’t convinced as no family member had wished me a by-day as at noon. They always forget and this leads me to ask, “family & friends, who suppose wish u happy birthday first?”

I still didn’t break my personal record for the number of gifts I receive on my birthday, each year. Just in case you are wondering, i’ll put you out of your misery....na only two gifts. The gift of life from God and then the gift of friendship, that is where y’ll come in! Tanchu tanchu...for all the beautiful prayers/wishes!

THE  INTERVIEW

Muddie finally made his Nollywood debut as he starred in Blockbuster movie “The interview”.  Y’ll need to have seen the puzzled looked on my face when i walked in and saw the crowd. “Oluwa o! Are these people here to watch a movie abi na the same interview we come for?” I asked myself.

It was really awkward, having to sit in a room with so many people waiting to be interviewed for the same job. I stared in their faces one after another, Buju Banton’s “Destiny” playing in my head. Some dressed like ogas at the top, a few speaking in locally acquired foreign accents and others reading past interview questions & answers on their phones/ipads. In that moment, na only me know wetin i follow God yarn because every time I went for the next stage of the interview, the crowd was less, like God had a way of convincing them to look elsewhere, say jobberman.com for other job opportunities.

THE SHOCKER

After three long weeks away from the blog, there are no cobwebs on the blog, there were occasional visits. Now that’s a shocker. For those who have forgotten the address of the site, in the now famous voice of Lagos Commandant of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corp (NSCDC), Mr Obafaiye Shem, it is www.themuddiefactor (*clears throat)....That’s all!